As an atheist and current resident of the Bible Belt, I am in the minority.
Anytime I’ve ever posted on social media about atheism, I get dozens of replies from friends, family, former church mates, and people I haven’t seen in 20+ years. They assume that I don’t know what I’m talking about and that I am only a nonbeliever because I haven’t looked at the “facts” deeply enough.
It’s done out of love…mostly…I think. But there’s definitely a smugness to a lot of the replies.
But I digress…
Onto the satire.
I think sometimes it’s just easier to blend in with the crowd instead of ruffling feathers. Why say something that could cause anyone to think critically?
If you’re in the Bible Belt or know someone who is, I’ve created a survival guide that will help you to blend in. No one will ever know that you’re an agnostic, atheist, or anything other than a born-again Christian.
Here we go:
A sure-fire way to make them think you’re one of them. It’s most effective when immediately followed by a story of what God did for you that week. For example: if you had trouble finding your car keys but found them quickly after saying a prayer to the man upstairs, you must share this with the person who asked!
These are most common among teenagers whose brains have not yet fully developed. Their parents were able to inject Jesus directly into their veins along with the Santa Claus lie. If you slowly and surgically remove the Santa belief, the Jesus one will remain. The key is to never give your child the chance to think outside the Bible.
Supply them with “Not today, Satan” shirts at a young age to keep the indoctrination strong. But don’t get it twisted! Corny Christian tees are not only for our youth!
Nothing will help you blend in more than a “Mayo Light Shine” shirt.
You don’t hate the person! You just hate everything about their identity. Huge difference! Convince yourself that some sins are fine and some are not. Are you a glutton? Constantly berate your wife? Talk shit about oppressed groups? Those are all okay. Jesus understands those. It’s the LGBTQ+ lifestyle that he really doesn’t approve of. You can take it an extra step by telling the person that you’re praying for God to change their heart. That helps, for sure!
Show the world that you don’t know the difference between a fetus and a baby. Don’t let them push this bullshit “abortion” term on you. Call it what it is! Never mind that over 99% of abortions… uh… I mean BABY MURDERS happen before 21 weeks. Never mind that these decisions are incredibly hard to make. Never mind that many abortions happen because the pregnant person is a victim of r*pe. Never mind that many abortions are medically necessary. And never mind that God killed thousands of actual babies in a flood. That’s… uh… different.
To blend in here in the Bible Belt, it’s imperative that you hold at least 4 or 5 conspiracy theories near and dear to your heart. Never utter that Biden won the election fairly. You will give yourself away as not one of them.
Did you see a post flagged as false information on Facebook? That’s your clear-cut indication that it’s TRUE information.
Remember to think like them: if you believe that a guy walked on water and rose from the dead because of some words written decades after it happened, then you’ll believe anything!
This is an important one! Our nation was founded on freedom of religion, but what that really means is that we’re a Christian nation! That’s why the word god is mentioned zero times in the Constitution! We have the right to talk about Jesus at anytime to anyone, but get all other religious nonsense out of my face and out of our schools!
FREE SPEECH!! Free speech means there are no consequences for the things you say. We are all able to say whatever we we want. That’s what the founding fathers meant, right? We have a RIGHT to say something… anything. Freedom of speech is freedom of misinformation. There should be no regulations on what we post online! You heard from your uncle’s cousin’s co-worker that Fauci is a reptile and Biden has been dead since 2014? Cool. Post it without repercussion!
Going back to the MURDERING BABIES thing, we here in the Bible Belt are PRO-LIFE. Now… once you’re born, we don’t really give a shit what happens after that. Born in another country and your parents want to bring you to America for a better life? Tough shit, kid. We’re glad you’re alive but, besides that, we couldn’t care less.
We also strongly believe in the death penalty! That’s how pro-life we are down here.
Ex-Christian Book Club
You may or may not know that I recently started a private community for nonbelievers at ExChristianCommunity.com.
Several people have already joined, and I can’t wait to see what the community becomes.
I’m looking for more people to be founding members. If you want to support what I do and have that community, consider joining at the founding member rate of $5/month.
We’re going to be doing our first live hangout in a few weeks as well as starting a book club! I personally can’t wait for this because I have a lot of books I want to read on the subjects of science, Christianity, atheism, and more, and it will be fun to discuss with other likeminded people.
I’ll be briefly talking about the books in this newsletter and on the podcast, but we’ll go way more in depth in the community.
JesusUnfollower.com for merch & more ways to support
Remember: you don’t need a god to be good!
Kevin